LIFE Sucks at times

So now here I lie watching the clock and I can't sleep. I feel like crap as sleep keeps becoming harder and harder to grasp. I am looking over my life and struggling with issues in it. Here is some issues of it.

I married when I was young to a even younger woman. Her name was Connie. We were kind of pushed into marriage as my parents thought it was best. She in the end left me for some man she worked with. They had a couple kids got married and are still today. We were married 4 years and had no kids. So this story ended.

I then married again to my current wife. We dated for 2 years of which we broke up a couple times and I even asked her to marry me and she turned me down. I had issues of acceptance going then as well. Being turned down hurt of course but then to be accepted back to dating and then to eventual marriage caught me. She accepted me and my problems we were married and along came my WONDERFUL daughter. Life was suppose to be good. I had it all. A wife, step son, a new daughter and nothing but up from here.

Our relationship settled in and there were always ups and downs. We never could communicate well so we settled things either by me shutting up and not pressing it anymore or by emails and writing. There was not much for intimacy and it became just a pair of roommates getting by. My wife was content and happy with the status quo and I was not. I started searching for me and for what I wanted in life. Time went on and I stayed in there keeping my kids close and for the most part not rocking the boat.

Then came this year and I burst. I told my wife I was not happy and I was not being the person I wanted and needed to be. We got into counseling and though it seems to be helping to push me along it is not helping my wife. We continue to fight though now she says she gets it and knows what I need to make me happy. I can’t believe it as I know I have talked “written” with her on these issues in the past. I struggle to see forward at times.

I ended up moving to my sister’s house a few weeks ago. I have been back and stayed a few times at my house but each time it seems to cause the same issues. I have found out certain things about myself and I know more what I want but I can’t see what I want or need being filled from my current wife. We tend to be in this co-dependency mode and I watched it last night go through the whole gamut of the co-dependency.

Tonight I lay here in bed with chest pains. I wonder what will I end up with in life? I think I have found and know what I want but the path is so blurred I get lost. So I find myself laying here staring at a ceiling that is not mine, not able to sleep. Life is not good right now.