Happy Thanksgiving

Update on my health is as follows. I was wearing a cast type boot for 5 weeks to allow my Achilles to heal. I got it off a week ago and thought my heal is sore I have moved with it and felt better. I have also this week begun to try to start spinning classes again. It is a bit painful and beginning to work up in exercise I can already know is going to be slow. Chest pains have almost stopped though occasionally hit me when stress levels get too high. I been monitoring them and keeping them under control.

My wife didn’t like our counselor and went out and get herself a new one, Marilyn. She has visited with her a couple times and liked her and then scheduled me to go with her. I declined as I didn’t want to defend myself with her there and me never meeting this new counselor. I did agree to see Marilyn on my own though, which I did yesterday. After some interesting talks the Marilyn she said I think it would be best that you don’t live together and would want to talk to the wife next week and then again with me and the wife to start a paper of separation agreements. This did not surprise me as I know Greg, my counselor has been working on that but wife didn’t like hearing that. The second opinion is now going to be hitting her.

Then my mom had Knee surgery so she is still healing and needing help. My mom’s mother is also VERY sick and is dying, So mom is sad and emotional as we deal with her healing. AND I have to deal with my grandma dying.

So with work keeping me swamped, my mom healing, and emotional, my grandma dying, my foot hurting and I can’t run, and my marriage ending, I am about at the end of all my ropes. Most people can’t even tell where I am on my emotional strings as I hide them all so well.

ON a good note though since I can’t run right now I volunteered at the local Turkey trot today. Almost 300 runners and walkers went by me. The amount of friends I saw was awesome with some of the stopping to hug me, talk t o me and thank me for helping was awesome to feel. Other people all thanking us for volunteering and greeting me was also nice and this was my first real volunteering at a race as a marshal and I loved it. It was a very rewarding morning from that aspect. I WILL do it again and recommend it for anyone that is interested in running and the such.

I would also like to thank everyone as my friends and support I receive. My each and every one of you have a wonder Thanksgiving day. God Bless you all.

Small yays

Last Thursday my daughter got to play on the varsity basketball team. She played AWESOME. Almost the whole game. The coach only pulled her at the end fo the game to allow some JV listed players to get in the game since the varsity game was won anyway. The coach pulled her over and said she would be varsity again. The two teams play and practice together and depending on practices and games can be moved up or down to varsity. I like that as it keeps the girls working hard to stay or to get into the varsity game.

Monday they played again and my daughter was on the varsity squad again. She was a bit more off but still played about half the game. Which is good. I am so proud and swell with pride watching her in sports. I went to her band concert last night and thought to myself wow our kids do so much. Seeing girls form the softball team, the basketball team in the band. They all play sports, music, school, etc. I like it that we live in a community where so much activity happens. I think it makes our children well rounded for life.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my foot. He liked that I have been so good on it and not working it. It was looking a lot better. He gave it a shot of cortisone or something and wants me in the boot cast till Monday or Tuesday. I will then on Wednesday start physical therapy on it. He said then Thanksgiving weekend I can start spinning hard again to start working myself back. I will be put on a exercise and strengthening program to work my foot back up slowly. I could begin running again by the New Year. Maybe, December slow and short.

And yes another sleepless night with life issues etc so might as well try and post or something eh?

LIFE Sucks at times

So now here I lie watching the clock and I can't sleep. I feel like crap as sleep keeps becoming harder and harder to grasp. I am looking over my life and struggling with issues in it. Here is some issues of it.

I married when I was young to a even younger woman. Her name was Connie. We were kind of pushed into marriage as my parents thought it was best. She in the end left me for some man she worked with. They had a couple kids got married and are still today. We were married 4 years and had no kids. So this story ended.

I then married again to my current wife. We dated for 2 years of which we broke up a couple times and I even asked her to marry me and she turned me down. I had issues of acceptance going then as well. Being turned down hurt of course but then to be accepted back to dating and then to eventual marriage caught me. She accepted me and my problems we were married and along came my WONDERFUL daughter. Life was suppose to be good. I had it all. A wife, step son, a new daughter and nothing but up from here.

Our relationship settled in and there were always ups and downs. We never could communicate well so we settled things either by me shutting up and not pressing it anymore or by emails and writing. There was not much for intimacy and it became just a pair of roommates getting by. My wife was content and happy with the status quo and I was not. I started searching for me and for what I wanted in life. Time went on and I stayed in there keeping my kids close and for the most part not rocking the boat.

Then came this year and I burst. I told my wife I was not happy and I was not being the person I wanted and needed to be. We got into counseling and though it seems to be helping to push me along it is not helping my wife. We continue to fight though now she says she gets it and knows what I need to make me happy. I can’t believe it as I know I have talked “written” with her on these issues in the past. I struggle to see forward at times.

I ended up moving to my sister’s house a few weeks ago. I have been back and stayed a few times at my house but each time it seems to cause the same issues. I have found out certain things about myself and I know more what I want but I can’t see what I want or need being filled from my current wife. We tend to be in this co-dependency mode and I watched it last night go through the whole gamut of the co-dependency.

Tonight I lay here in bed with chest pains. I wonder what will I end up with in life? I think I have found and know what I want but the path is so blurred I get lost. So I find myself laying here staring at a ceiling that is not mine, not able to sleep. Life is not good right now.